Learning to Listen

back when we went through premarital class, they stressed the importance of learning how to properly agrue... they said it will happen in a marriage, it is how you do it that makes your marriage work or not work.

In learning areas I needed to improve my life I was lead to a book called "Fighting for your Marriage" basically the book teaches you to fight right, how to listen and discuss without causing tension and stress in your marriage. I also think it applies to friendships, especially the speaker listener technique found on page 63 in the book. This has been on my heart of late, maybe it will help someone else out there, besides me!

Below is a direct quote from the book about this technigue"



Rules for Both of you
1. The Speaker has the floor. Use a real object to designate the "floor" In seminars, we hand out pieces fo linoleum or carpet for couples to use as the floor. YOu can use anything, though: the TV remote control, a piece of paper, a paperback book anything at all. If you don't have the floor, your the Listener. As Speaker and Listener, you follow the rules for each role.

2. Share the floor. You share the floor over the course of conversation. One person has it to start and may say a number of things. At some point, you switch roles and continue as the floor changes hands.

3. No problem solving. When you use this technique, you are going to focus on having a good discussion, not tryint to come to a solution prematurely.

RULES FOR THE SPEAKER

1. Speak for yourself. DON'T TRY TO BE A MIND READER. Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, not your preceptions of the Listener's point of view or motives. Try to use "I" statements, and talk about your own point of view. "I think your a jerk" is not an "I" statement. "I was upset you forgot our date" is.

2. Don't go on and on. You've have plenty of opportunities to say all you need to say. To help the Listener listen actively, it will be very important to confine what you say to brief manageable statements. if you're in the habit of giving monologues, remember that having the floor protects you from interruptions, so you can afford to pauce and be sure that your partner understands you.

3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase: After youve talked a short while, stop and allow the Listener to paraphrase what you just said. If the paraphrase wasn't quite accurate, you should polietly restate what was not heart the way it was intended to be heard. Your goal is to help the Listener hear and understand your point of view. This is not a test - help make sure that the Listener really hears you.

Rules for the Listener
1. Paraphrase what you hear. You must paraphase what the speaker is saying. Briefly report back what you heard the Speaker say, using your own words if you like, and make sure that you understand what was said. The key is to show your partner that you are listening by restatign what you heard. If the paraphrase is not quite right (which happens often), the Speaker should gently clarify the point being made. If you truly don't understand some phrase or exmaple, you mak ask the Speaker to clarify, but you may not ask quetsions on any other aspect of the issue unless you have the floor.

2. Focus on the Speakers message Don't rebut. In the Listener's role, you may not offer your opinion or thoughts. This is the hardest part of being a good listener. If you are upset by what your partner says, you need to edit out any response you may want to make and pay attention to what your parnter is saying. Wait until you get the floor to make your response. As the listener, your job is to speak only in the service of understanding your partner. Any words or gestures that would show your opinion are not allowed, including making faces!